April '25 Joke Round-Up

  Honestly, I haven’t got a clue what to write for this intro. I just got back from taking my daughter to buy some nails and makeup for a school dance (obligatory, these kids are growing up so fast) and I’m waiting for the start of the Blues/Jets game, so I have like 45 minutes where I could potentially shut my brain off for a bit but instead I have decided that I absolutely have to write out this little blurb for this blog that may or may not have at some point just evolved into a real journal, or it might be a memoir but I honestly am not really sure that I fully understand what a memoir is (gonna Google that real quick, actually). Okay no, I do not think this qualifies as a memoir.  Maybe thousands of years from now someone will dig a server out of the rubble, recover the data on it and find this blog. Most of human history will have been wiped from existence so they will have no reason not to believe that San Diego isn’t German for “a whale’s vagina.”  This will be my mark on history.

4/2

Someday I will figure out how to stop burning things in the air fryer that we have had for 2 years, but today is not that day.

4/4

Every episode of WWE programming from January thru April.

4/7

One of my buddies told me that he has a recurring nightmare that he drops his keys into the porta-potty at the construction sites he has to visit for work.

Not gonna lie, if I dropped my keys into a porta-potty, I'd post my car on marketplace and hail an Uber. No going back, that is someone else's problem now.

4/9

Time for another episode of "Me Making Fabulous First Impressions". Last night I told a table full of people who I had just met "I don't have an OnlyFans because both my feet and butthole are unattractive."

Follow me for more tips on how to make friends.

4/10

The phrase "he's playing chess while everyone else plays checkers" doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.  If the agreed upon game is checkers, then the person playing chess is in the wrong.  If Steph Curry rode a horse onto the court and started swatting the ball with a mallet nobody would say, "Big brain move, he's playing polo while everyone else plays basketball," they'd say, "Yeah, he's clearly lost his mind."

Nevermind the fact that most of the people I see using this chess/checkers idiom still actively struggle with the rules to Candyland.

4/16

My son has kicked off a subs vs. dubs debate and the argument is currently consuming the family.

4/20

Me when that deviled egg platter comes out at family gatherings.

4/24

Barclay felt he needed some input on my meetings today.

4/29

My son has to do a report on Germany for his geography class. Being the great dad that I am, I told him there are many places here whose names are derived from their language, such as San Diego which is German for "a whale's vagina."

To be potentially the last memory of the movie Anchorman in a post-apocalyptic world is not a responsibility I take lightly.  I feel important.

-Ryan

March '25 Joke Round-Up

  Okay, so the world is an absolute dumpster fire right now but on a personal level I am back to eating all sorts of delicious things post-surgery, the weather is warming up and there’s more daylight, I got some sweet new anxiety meds that are helping me actually fall asleep at night, and I am writing this at the moment with my wife sitting next to me. That’s all pretty fucking neat.  So while I’m here feeling damn near blissful, let’s see what the hell I cracked jokes about this past month.

3/1

My general reaction to everything since getting my wisdom teeth out and being stuck on soft foods.

3/1

Is it possible to only "kinda" get into making sourdough? I feel like either you've never made it or you've devoted your entire life to raising and caring for your flour-based offspring.

Edit: I went with "flour-based offspring" but now I'm wondering if the preferred terminology is "yeastlings".

3/1

I will never stop being mad at those kids who couldn't figure out The Shrine of the Silver Monkey.  It was 3 pieces, for fuck's sake!!

3/4

There's only so many hours in a day and it can be really difficult to fit everything in. Luckily, my body's internal alarm clock helps me find a few hours in the middle of the night to analyze every mistake I've ever made and also read Wikipedia articles about bridges.

3/9

We needed new salt and pepper shakers and we made the most adult decision possible.

3/12

Honestly, my comedy career peaked that time in high school when my friends and I went to an anime convention and I said "I always thought we were pretty unconventional."

3/18

Yesterday I had corned beef and cabbage for lunch.  Then I had corned beef and cabbage again for dinner. Then my wife told me that because of my dietary choices I was not allowed to sleep in the bedroom.

3/26

Gonna download Signal just to see if I can get included in some of these national security convos.

3/26

I was doing daily Spanish lesson earlier today and was quickly matching Spanish words to their English counterparts.  I matched "happy" with "comida" which is a really dumb mistake but honestly says a lot about who I am as a person.

3/26

Just sweet-talking my wife.

3/31

First thing that came to mind when I saw this.

If I tried to come up with clever titles for my monthly round-ups, I guess this one would be “Hot Dogs & Baby Jesus.”  But I don’t write clever names for my round-ups, so that little tidbit is just gonna stay right down here at the bottom where probably nobody will ever read it. Oh well.

-Ryan

February '25 Joke Round-Up

For being the shortest month, February always feels painfully long.  Usually that’s just because it’s a cold, shitty, gray month.  This year it’s been even longer due to the new presidential administration’s insistence on setting a new speedrun record for completely fucking a country.  An additional hurdle to the month has been that on the 2nd I separated my shoulder playing hockey and on the 27th I got my wisdom teeth removed, so I’ve bookended all of the shittiness with me being in considerable amounts of pain. Hooray!  I am exhausted, in pain, and very cranky so we are just gonna go right to these jokes.

2/3

Little Women is playing in this waiting room.  If I wait here long enough I might get to see the sequel 2 Little 2 Women.

2/7

Honestly, the only reason to not like the Fast & Furious franchise is because you hate fun.

2/12

I amuse myself.

2/12

I remember when I first read "A Modest Proposal" in school. My internal This-Shit-Can't-Be-Serious alarm went off in my head, but I recall a lot of my classmates didn't have the same skepticism and were instead appalled by it, not realizing it was a work of satire. At the time I chalked it up to the fact that we were kids, surely everyone would know better when we were grown.

But when you consider that "A Modest Proposal" is usually in 11th or 12th grade curriculums and the average reading comprehension level in America is between a 7th and 8th grade level, it makes a lot of sense why so many people believe and share the absolute dumbest shit that they see on social media.

2/15

My wife and I were talking and the phrase "express yourself" was mentioned.  Immediately we both started singing.  She went with N.W.A. and I went with Madonna.  Draw whatever conclusions you wish from that.

2/18

Me watching my wife back down the driveway on her way to work this morning while I prepare for another day working from home.

2/20

I like on slow mo replays when they are very clearly enunciating and emphasizing the word fuck.  Like they just showed a slow mo replay of Brady Tkachuk fist bumping the bench and saying "FUCK YEAH!"  There was absolutely purpose for that to be a slow mo replay other than to show fuck.  Ain't nobody watching this thinking "I hope they slow mo replay the fist bumps so I can see if he misses anyone."

2/21

It's always disappointing when you let out an epic fart and there's nobody else around to hear or smell it.  It ends up being just another "I once caught a fish THIS big" stories.

2/21

I recognize this face, I have seen it so much.  This sculpture's husband probably just pointed a stud finder at himself and made beeping noises.

2/24

Later this week I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed. My wife was talking about how people tend to say lots of goofy shit after coming-to from the anesthesia and my daughter deadass looked at me and said, "So you're just gonna be your normal self then."

2/26

I am so tired today for the dumbest reason.  On my little pre-op instruction sheet from the oral surgeon one of the bullet points is "Please get a good night's rest before surgery. Surgery is tolerated best in patients who are well rested."

So last night I could not sleep because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to sleep well tonight.

2/27

So what did I talk about in my anesthesia-ridden haze? Microsoft Excel.  I told the nurses all about how much I enjoy the Vlookup function. I also shouted "Ahh! Kelly Clarkson!" when they pulled off the IV tape, was very adamant in letting everyone know how smart and beautiful my wife is, and made sure they were aware that my Aunt makes great mashed potatoes.

Honestly, my daughter was right. All of this was pretty normal for me.

2/28

My dog Polly absolutely hates squirrels. She sits at the back door watching for them and absolutely loses her shit when she sees one.  When she gets let out into the yard she runs circles around our tree barking up into the air just to let them know that she will not tolerate any of their bullshit. 

As I sit here today with a swollen face trying to get some rest, there are 2 squirrels that have been either fighting or fucking all up and down my roof and across the power line drop-in to my house all morning. And you know what?  I agree with Polly. Fuck them squirrels

I’m gonna be honest, I do not have the energy or mental capacity to give this a proper ending.  I am going to take some pain pills and lay down.

-Ryan